Communicating With Your Adolescent Teenagers feel mixed emotions as they struggle toward independence. They want to express their individuality and make decisions for themselves, but are reluctant to take the reins of responsibility completely. After all, it feels safer to have mom and dad looking out for them. For parents, the struggle is also about letting go and accepting change. Parents want to encourage their teenagers to be self-sufficient, yet worry about the mistakes their children will make. As difficult as this phase is for all family members, it is a natural and healthy part of a family's emotional development. To be productive adults, we all have to learn to think for ourselves. The teen years are about evaluating our parent's values and expectations, and developing our own at the same time. We take a lot of our values and standards directly from our parents, but we add what we have learned from our own living experience. As modern as many parents try to be, there are always generational differences. Parents may want to encourage their children to think for themselves, but balk when they see their teens moving away from, or rejecting, their own standards. Parents who are open to their teenager's experience and ideas will struggle less against change, suffer less stress, and actually find opportunities for personal growth. Teens will feel they can be more open and honest with parents who don't judge them constantly, and who show genuine interest in their child's experiences. Communication is vital, and must flow in both directions. Respect your teenager's desire for independence Young people "try on" new ideas and attitudes about all kinds of things. To communicate with them effectively, you must be willing to acknowledge their opinions and ideas, even when alarms are going off in your head. Fifteen-year-old Sara decides one day to dye her hair purple and pierce her nose. This thoroughly distresses her mom and dad, but they try not to criticize. Two weeks later, featuring a spiked mohawk at the dinner table, Sara announces that she really wants to be a librarian someday. This thoroughly confuses her parents, who try to picture Sara with spikes and spectacles. There are times when a teenager will test his or her independence by tugging against authority. This doesn't have to result in struggle. Communicate your position, and show that you are willing to be flexible when the situation warrants it. Sixteen-year-old John doesn't understand why he has to live under a curfew, and says other kids can stay out later than he is allowed to. One night he calls his mother and asks if he can stay out an hour later than usual. She appreciates the effort he made to call, and thinks his asking permission shows a responsible attitude. She agrees to his request, making sure John understands that she is making only this one exception. John's curfew still stands, but his mother has shown him she respects the way he handled the situation. Be clear about your expectations Teenagers need guidelines, whether they think they do or not. Parents have to be clear and firm about the rules of the household. Parents who don't know how to handle it when rules are being broken won't be respected by their teenagers. Children of all ages need to be prepared to live in a society where laws govern everything from driving a car to paying taxes. Some communities have parent support groups where parents can go to share their experiences and discuss problems in raising their teens (drug and alcohol use at parties, curfews, etc.). Ask your EAP counselor to assist you in locating support groups in your area. Take an interest in their activities and friends Failing to take an interest in your teen's activities and their friends only exaggerates the generation gap you are trying to bridge. When you add to a parent's busy schedule a teenager's increased desire for privacy and space, parents and teens easily drift apart. Parents need to encourage teens to develop their own special hobbies. Providing transportation to and from after-school events, taking part in weekend teen outings, or letting your teen throw a party at home (with appropriate supervision) are all things you can do to be supportive and involved without trying to run the show. Remember too that a teen's peers have enormous influence. Take time to get to know your son's or daughter's friends. Avoid being overly critical of these peers, as negative comments will feel like direct attacks on your own teenager. Recognize adolescent stress From a teenager's point of view, adulthood looks very complex and problematic. The media pressures young adults to be successful, look beautiful, and encourages them to be self-indulgent. Without support and encouragement from parents, teenagers won't be inclined toward lasting values, and will eventually come up feeling empty. Parents who are aware of these pressures can offer a more balanced perspective to their teenagers. There is no substitute for parental time, attention and involvement. Written by: Marta McKinnon, M.S.
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