When Your Child
Goes To College- Your child has made it through the application and admission process and is moving on to a new dimension of life. This means that there will be significant changes within the family structure. You may be parenting "long-distance" and adjusting to some changes in the parent-child relationship. Patience, Patience If you are going to take your child to school, remember that patience will be required for dealing with the waiting you will be doing: at dorms, for elevators, in the stores, restaurants, and hotels. Once your arrive, be prepared for your child to want to hold on tight, to walk away, or maybe both. You are probably the best judge of how your child will react. Either way, be prepared so that you can be supportive. It may not be until you get back home and realize that there is one less place to set for dinner or that there are now fewer clothes to wash, that you understand that the relationship you had with your child will never be the same again. You may need time to re-adjust with your other kids, and refocus your attention on you rspouse, family, and friends. "Empty nest syndrome" is a phrase you may have heard of. After all, you have played this parenting role for eighteen years or so, and some adjustment to your new role may be necessary. It may help to view your child's departure as a shift to a new identity where you play a central role. You may have more free time to devote to your own interests. Correspondence Regular contact helps the transition go smoothly. Perhaps you could agree on a predetermined day and time to call, once a week or so. Mail, on the other hand, is a good way to keep in touch. Letters and cards fill the mailbox and give your child a sense of belonging. Care packages are always well-received, especially around exam time. Most schools offer services which deliver pre-prepared "exam care kits." And certainly e-mail is a quick and easy way to communicate. Keep your child up-to-date on the lives of family members to maintain a family feeling. Not telling your child about the dog dying or about little sister taking over the bedroom may leave your child feeling out-of-touch with the family. Some college freshman feel anxious the first few days. You may even get pleas for "rescue" or late night calls. Try to resist the urge to jump in the car and go running. Sometimes your child simply needs to voice concerns and receive reassurance. Try to help your child with rational, problem-solving skills by talking through feelings. First Visit Home The first visit home is always an exciting reunion. Sometimes tension results from the expectation that there will be no rules. The best way to handle this potential conflict is to discuss the issues in advance of the homecoming. Mutual respect is the key to creating a set of new house rules that everyone can live with. Your child may get home and then disappear with friends. Your expectations may not be the same as your child's priorities. Perhaps you could schedule in advance a special dinner with the family. Maybe the family could plan a vacation or outing together during a long recess or on summer break. What is important to remember is that you want to keep your college student involved as much as possible so that he or she will continue to feel like a valuable member of the family. Don't forget to reward yourself. Go out and celebrate with a dinner or a party. You have raised a wonderful adult who is moving on to the exciting phase of his or her life. Give yourself a pat on the back. Resources Letting Go, by Karen Levin Coburn & Madge Lawrence Treeger, Adler & Adler Publishing, Bethesda, 1988. US Department of Education has a brochure called "Preparing Your Child For College: A Resource Book for Parents". To obtain a copy, call the National Library of Education at (800) 424-1616.
Written by: Trish Christian, RN, CS, CEAP and Brenda Campbell
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