When Your Child
Goes To College- You knew this day would come. And now your child is ready to embark on the next phase of his or her life. This is an exciting time, filled with expectation and promise, but you may be feeling unprepared. You believe that college is the best thing for your child, and there is a natural urge to continue to protect and nurture. Remember that this process really began at birth and your parenting has helped your child gain the confidence and self-esteem to separate and become a responsible, productive adult. Probably the most difficult part of this will involve initiating the complicated process of application and acceptance. There will be many deadlines from various colleges, financial loan sources, etc. Your child will need to take qualification exams such as the ACT, SAT, SAT II, or the AP's. And there will be school visits, college interviews, and sessions with school career counselors. If your child is attending a private school, you may get assistance from their counseling services on scheduling and such. If your child goes to a public institution, however, you may be on your own to coordinate these events. You might want to purchase a calendar, specifically set aside to keep the dates and times of tests, appointments and deadlines. This will allow everyone to keep track of events. You can help your child to anticipate deadlines and to avoid feeling pressured. Unfortunately, all colleges seem to have their own check list of what is needed and when they must have it. The good news is that they all essentially want the same information. You and your child can begin to gather information on test scores, health information, and school transcripts. Try to obtain as many copies of necessary documents as you will need for each application. Some schools require two transcripts so try to get a few additional copies. This might be a good time to speak to your child's guidance counselor, your EAP, or another qualified professional who specializes in the area of college preparation and who may have resources for you and your child. Responsibility Your child needs to practice accepting new responsibilities. Set up a personal checking account, and start using it to pay for application fees and the like. It may also be helpful to turn over personal laundry chores to your college-bound child. Learning to do laundry and ironing now will save you the cost of replacing clothes. Experience with food preparation and clothing purchases may also be helpful. Once your child has received notification of acceptance, the next phase begins. There will be plenty of details to work out. Class registration, living arrangements, health information, and financial arrangements must be completed. It is a good idea to encourage your child to begin to accept responsibility for meeting deadlines. Your child will continue to face deadlines throughout his or her college career. Loss of financial aid or scholarship assistance because of a missed deadline, however, is a hard lesson for a young person to learn. Parents may avoid this by subtle reminding, but try to avoid nagging. Of course, as a parent there may be times when you have to step in and ensure that certain problems are addressed. For instance, if your child has a major physical disability such as impaired vision or hearing, you will want to notify the school's special education department as soon as possible. You need to reassure yourself and your child that adequate support services will be provided. Understanding Transition As the realization of leaving home hits the whole family, the excitement of the transition begins. This will be a time for rich memories: your own departure for college or work life, your college experiences, your successes of failures as a young person starting out in life. Your child will probably vacillate between feeling excited and ready, and feeling fearful about separation and independence. You and your son or daughter may find it hard to put these feelings into words, but it is important to try. You may want to start by saying: "When I was getting ready to leave for school, I remember that your grandfather and I got in a huge argument about whether or not he would drive me to school. Looking back, I realize that I was trying to be independent-as if I didn't need him. But I was really glad that he and your grandmother drove me up to the dorm and helped me get settled on that first day." Remember that a little "prep" talk goes a long way. Try to pick times when your child seems ready to listen to your message. Be supportive and helpful when asked. Otherwise, let your child prepare for this big step in his or her own way. Communication Communication is the most important element in this process. Chances are you have learned to communicate effectively with your child and this is no time to stop. In fact, this is a great time to adjust your communication style as you are now dealing with an "adult." Let your child know that you respect and support him. As August rolls around, you and your child may be busy with last minute shopping. Don't feel like you have to buy everything in the store. There will be opportunities to shop where your child is attending school and forgotten items can be purchased later. You may feel like you must pass on all your wisdom, values, and advice. Remember to trust that you have done a good job raising your child up to this point. Knowing this will help you to trust your child. As the last few days approach, that special dinner you had planned may get pushed aside by an impromptu party with friends or by a need to be with the "significant other" as much as possible. Try not to take this personally. Your child is leaving his support network and will need as much reassurance as possible before he leaves.
Written by: Trish Christian, RN, CS, CEAP and Brenda Campbell
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