Dealing With The Angry Child Handling young children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for adults. Adults need to be reminded that we ourselves weren't always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty of expressing anger. It will be easier to deal with children's anger if we get rid of this notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children - or in ourselves - but rather to accept the feelings and help channel and direct them to constructive ends. To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in children, we need to have some idea about what may have triggered an outburst. Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings. It may be associated with failure, low self-esteem, feelings of isolation, or anxiety about situations over which the child has no control. Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency, sadness or depression. In childhood, anger and sadness often feel like the same emotion; much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed by a child as anger. Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive, angry outbursts, several points should be highlighted:
Responding To The Angry Child Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry child were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman. They should be considered helpful ideas, not a "bag of tricks." Catch the child being good. Tell the child what behaviors please you. Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observant and sensitive parent will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as "Thanks for coming in for dinner without being reminded"; "I noticed how nicely you shared your snack with your sister." Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior than can be tolerated. This doesn't mean that you should ignore the child, just the behavior. The "ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Save your strong responses for behavior that is truly unacceptable. Use closeness and touching. Hug or hold a child to curb his or her angry impulse. Young children are reassured by a calm adult. Express interest in the child's activities. Children naturally try to involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often annoyed at being bothered. Very young children, and children who are emotionally deprived, seem to need much more adult involvement in their interests. Be ready to show affection. Sometimes all that is needed for any angry child to regain control is a sudden hug or other show of affection. Children with serious emotional problems, however, may have trouble accepting affection. Ease tension through humor. Using some gentle kidding around to ease a child out of a temper tantrum offers the child an opportunity to "save face." However, it is important to distinguish between face-saving humor and sarcasm or teasing. Use promises and rewards. Promises of future pleasure can be used both to start and stop behavior. This approach should not be compared with bribery. Bribery has nothing to do with teaching self-control and delaying rewards. As one fourth grade teacher put it: "One of the most important goals we strive for as parents and teachers is to help children develop respect for themselves and others." We want to encourage children to see themselves as valued people, and remember that children learn from our actions as much as from what we say to them. Talking gives a child another way to control feelings and reduces acting-out behavior. Encourage the child to say, for example, "I don't want you to take my pencil. I don't want to share right now." When discipline is needed, remember that good discipline starts with the adult. We must treat children, even angry children, with care. Children must feel adults will allow them to express their true feelings without punishment. Being angry doesn't mean you're a bad child. Source: Adapted from "The Aggressive Child" by Luleen S. Anderson, Ph.D., which appeared in Children Today (Jan.-Feb.1978)
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